Yes, FedEx again

I’m waiting on yet another delivery from FedEx, and this time it’s arriving via their SmartPost service.

And so I’m writing yet another tirade about their incomprehensibly incompetent approach to package delivery.

As far as I understand, their “Smart”Post service works like this: The merchant from whom I ordered gives the package to FedEx and pays them. FedEx then brings the package to a post office near to the recipient, and lets the good ol’ USPS handle the “last mile” of delivery.

I fail to understand the point of this service. I mean I get that it saves FedEx the cost of bringing a truck to my house because the mailman is stopping at my house anyway.

How-frukking-ever, it doesn’t actually make anything more efficient. The United States Postal Service already has the infrastructure in place to move my package over the long haul, so why not just let them do all the work?

This more “cost effective” (somehow) service simply introduces a second point of failure. Now instead of just worrying about FedEx screwing up my delivery, I have to worry about both FedEx and the United States Postal Service screwing up my delivery.

Not only that, but it’s far slower to make the delivery this way.

Here’s an example

Do you see that? Eight days in transit with FedEx followed by “one or two additional days” for the USPS leg. That’s only 1200 miles, or a 19 hour drive according to Google.

But guess what: USPS would deliver the same package end-to-end in 4 days, assuming a ship day of Friday! And it would only cost $3.58 (via First-Class Mail Parcel). How much less could FedEx SmartPost possibly cost? I’d gladly have paid a dollar more for a 7 day reduction in delivery time!

And as usual, FedEx can’t even meet the expectations which they themselves set: “Transit Times typically 2 to 7 business days within the contiguous U.S., based on the final destination ZIP code“. What a joke.

And I had to look this up because I’m no expert on Minnesotian geography:

That’s right, it took FedEx roughly 44 hours to move a tiny package 53 miles. That’s an average of 1.2 MPH.

Literally — literally — an old lady with a cart full of groceries could make a faster delivery.

For the love of all that’s holy, get your head out of your ass, FedEx.

It seems like every single FedEx delivery I receive has something wrong with it. I haven’t ranted about this in a few years, so let’s look at this week’s experience.

But first I’d like to say that my local FedEx delivery guy is top notch. He’s friendly, and I’ve seen him loading and unloading his truck outside our building and he doesn’t violently throw packages about.

Check this out…

Click for the full-sized image

So…?

That looks pretty normal. They delivered a package from Texas to New York via ground in 4 days. Pretty good, actually.

Well that’s what the tracking screen looks like now that the package has been delivered.

But while it was in transit I wanted to do something crazy: Track my package.

Tuesday, September 9 (2 AM)

Me: I got a ship notification with the tracking number.

FedEx: This is not a valid tracking number. We have no record of it.

Actually: It was picked up by FedEx about 16 hours prior.

Wednesday, September 10 (Evening)

Me: After checking a few times today, around 56 hours after the package was picked up I finally got some info using my tracking number.

FedEx: “Shipment information sent to FedEx.” No indication that it was picked up nor en route.

Actually: It was already en route to New Jersey from Texas.

Thursday, September 12 (Just after midnight)

Me: Tracking info finally looks normal…ish.

FedEx: Now showing the pickup time and that package went through NJ a few hours ago.

Actually: Makes sense.

Delivery!

Once the package was delivered most of the tracking information was there.

I say most because they still forgot to log one key piece of info: That the package ever left Texas. Check out that image again; It was in tracking limbo from TX to NJ.

I haven’t even opened it up yet, but the box is undamaged. So at least they got that right.

It’s not even consistent

Both of these snippets were pulled from the screenshot at the top of the page.

See that? The data isn’t even consistent within the same tracking report.

On the one hand the “Ship (P/U) date” is listed as 9/11/2014.

On the other hand it was “Picked up” on 9/8/2014, three days prior.

Of course it seems likely that the pickup date was genuinely the 8th, as that would have made sense for a ground shipment. But hey, maybe they lost the package in TX for a while and were forced to air ship it to make up time.

Scott, why are you so mad?

I’m not really. But the one thing FedEx is supposed to be really good at is tracking.

USPS is not good. Often I’ll get a package before their system even updates and recognizes the tracking number (though they have gotten better).

I expect the postal service to be slow and feckless (unfortunately), though I’ve had great luck with their priority mail service. FedEx built their reputation on logistics and tracking.

As for UPS? I’ve found that they tend to under-promise and over-deliver. Often when they say that the transit time for a package is 5 days I’ll get it in 4. They are either on-time or under-time. FedEx I’ve found to be quite the opposite. I’ve also had nearly 100% of my UPS tracking numbers show accurate information immediately following a pickup. (I know because I ship out via UPS with some frequency.)

If this were the first time I’ve seen mis- or under-informed tracking information from FedEx then it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I find their tracking system to be useless often enough that I’ve come to expect it.

In the 1980s computerized logistics and tracking were very impressive even at minimal levels of functionality.

Still using the same technology in 2014 is just embarrassing. (And if they’ve updated their systems and software since then, it’s even more embarrassing that they haven’t gotten it right).

It’s also very frustrating to customers when their package is in a black hole state of limbo for three days.

I mostly have things shipped to my office, which saves me the dreaded door tag at home.  Granted, the door tag isn’t my problem with FedEx, though I would never ever ever ever have them deliver to my house (ever) again.

Home Delivery

“You want that thing crushed, and in two weeks, right?” Out of maybe 8 FedEx home deliveries I’ve had in my life, 2 were crushed so badly that the boxes split open, 3 took more than nine days to arrive, and in one godforsaken incident we received a door tag.  Right before we left for vacation.  And it was a gift.

That’s right.  Since you can’t re-route or re-schedule FedEx Home Deliveries (or at least not at the time of that incident), you are SOL if you get a delivery while out of town or about to leave town.  And since it was a gift, we couldn’t contact the sender to let them know what was going on.

Something else you should know:  FedEx home delivery people take their trucks home at night.  With all of your packages in them.  Your valuable crap is just sitting in their driveways, or on the street.  Maybe in that nice, fancy neighborhood.  Maybe outside a crack den.  The fun of it is, you simply can’t know!  Oh, and also that means you can’t just pick up your item from a FedEx facility, because it’s not there!

Finally, there is a key difference between UPS and FedEx.  UPS delivers in the evening.  FedEx (because they have special residential delivery trucks) delivers all day.  As in, when no one is home because they are working so as to pay for all the crap they buy on the internet.

Commercial Delivery

They’re a bit stronger in this area.  Maybe they’re even the best at this for overnight, super-priority, 6AM, $5000 deliveries.   But for your average internet order, they are just plain crap.  Worse than UPS by far, and worse than USPS Priority Mail by a bit.

You ask: “Surely they can deliver a package at the appointed time, right?”

Yes, they can (sometimes).  But they are really literal about it, to the point of being dickishly passive-aggressive.  Let me show you what I mean:

I wanted to do a tenso for “Package not due for delivery”, but I didn’t care enough.

That’s right.  My package was sitting in the same town as the delivery, but they decided not to deliver it because that would be too soon. There is no such thing as “too soon”, as far as I’m concerned.  I bought some crap online, and I want it now.

By the way, that’s not a ground delivery either.  It’s a premium cost 2 day air delivery.  I’d be lucky if my ground delivery took 5 days from Texas.

Let’s compare this to my last order from UPS:

That’s right.  Less than 18 hours.  Ground.

I know the UPS delivery is from PA and the FedEx delivery is from TX, so it’s a stupid cock-blasting “apples to oranges” comparison.  But know this: I usually get my UPS deliveries from TX in 2 or 3 days.  Never more.

FedEx could take a goddamn week trying to get it here via ground.

I know that they have a computer shoved somewhere up their corporate ass that manages logistics down to the package-ounce and truck-mile.  Guess what?  So does UPS, and they can make a profit without being assholes with your precious deliveries.

One last thing about FedEx Ground:  They don’t always move their packages on the weekends.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  UPS and USPS?  They don’t give a shit, they’ll move your package around all week long.

In my experience the winner in getting crap to me from the dreaded West Coast:  USPS Priority Mail.  Three days to get to New York.  That’s three days, not three business days.  (The italics indicate the voice of some whiny asshole at FedEx HQ that has an MBA). I actually use USPS Priority Mail as a criterion for bidding on eBay auctions.

I would rather have an item shipped via US Parcel Post than FedEx Ground Home Delivery. If you disagree, please go to Teletubbies.com and tell them what you think.